She closed the book, placed it on the table, and finally decided to walk through the door. She didn’t know why this mission made her so nervous. Perhaps because this one would put her on the FBI’s most wanted list. Or maybe it was the fact that Secret Service was on her every trail. She glanced at the guest book on the table. Julie Lanie was the last entry in there. Her pseudonym. Revealing her real name would be disastrous.
The door still waited. Now was the time. She entered with a positive smile on her face into the Oval Office. It was a grand room, in the shape of an ellipse. A blue carpet graced the floor, and a picture of the Commander in Chief hung silently on the wall. A Secret Service man stood as still as the painting nearby. The President waited inside, sitting there just like in the photos.
“Hello Miss Lanie, welcome to the White House. Are you enjoying your visit?” asked the President. “Yes, thank you for asking.” The President made a motion for her to sit down in an armchair in front of the desk. She walked to the chair, but continued past it. The President looked confused, but it changed to horror when ‘Julie Lanie’ started to sprint at him. He got up from his chair to run away, but it just made it easier for ‘Julie’ to tackle him and send both crashing through the large window behind them. Outside the window, a large Unidentified Flying Object hovered, waiting to catch them. They fell off the White House balcony and were lowered into the UFO by a tractor beam. The Secret Security guard jumped after them, but the UFO was not there to catch him. It was too busy flying into the cosmos.
Inside the saucer, the President regained consciousness. He gathered his senses, and saw that he was not in a good situation. It is never a good sign when you are suspended over a pool of boiling mercury with strange octopus-like creatures swimming inside.
“This is very bad. This is scarier than the time the ambassador of Scotland gave me that complementary kilt!”
“Yeth, you thould be thcared,” a voice with a very bad lisp from above said.
The President looked up. A strange, purple alien stood from the above balcony. Alongside him was Julie Lanie, now morphing into another similar creature, only she was the hue of moldy cheese.
The purple one, who was obviously the leader, waved his scepter around while maniacally shouting, “Thith ith the End of your minithcule world, Earthlingth! Twemble before our cweepyneth!” The two aliens cackled for a minute, then went to plan world domination.
The President was horrified. “These bozos intend to take over the world?!?! Without letting me even try for a second term? How dare they!” The President’s mind raced. What should he do? Clueless, he hailed Julie the alien.
“Pardon me, but why do you desire to take over the world?” Julie laughed at the President’s naïvety.
“What do evil aliens normally do?”
“No!” the President exclaimed. “You don’t mean to blow up the world?!?”
“No, I intend to eat your milk and cookies. Of course to destroy the world! It’s in our way of Venus. We want to blow that up too, and there’s nothing you can do about it, buster” sassed Julie. “Oh yeah? Just watch,” the President back-talked as he pushed The Button.
TO BE CONTINUED…
TRANSCRIPT OF EMPLOYMENT INTERVIEW BETWEEN
THE EX-PRESIDENT (HIREE) AND MAC DONALD (HIRER)
PART 1: TRANSCRIPT OF EMPLOYMENT INTERVIEW
Hello, hello. Is this recorder thingy working? This is job interview #, uh, 16 on January 21st, of my 19th year of McDonald’s Assistant Assistant Managing. Hi mister, uh, what’s your name again?
Good citizen, my name is (pause for dramatic effect), El Ex Presidente! De Los United-o States-o!
Dude, as good as that Spanish was, will you try to speak English here so that I, ya know, can understand it?
Good. Now let’s start with the questions. What is your name?
I shall answer again, for I am known to all as (still pausing for dramatic effect), El Ex Presidente De Los United-o States-o!
Dude, can you speak English!?
Can you say your name? In English?
Yes, Sir! I am the former President of the United States, sworn out of office yesterday. I served from the year that the economy was great to that recent minor recession. In my illustrious career, I made two only slightly oppressive laws, averted an alien invasion, and remodeled the White House Bowling Alley. And I did not raise taxes as much as the populus claims I did! I was impeached because I “was not a true American and failed to kill the aliens on the spot”.
Dude, I just asked for your name!
Yes, Sir! My name is-
I have your name now, mister! Next question. Why do you think that you are worthy to work at McDonald’s?
Well, four years ago, the public thought I was worthy of being the most criticized but yet powerful man in the world, twice! Reelection is a wonderful thing. I believe that a mere grease job wou-.
Grease Job!?! You, dude, are a grease job! This job is the highest badge of honor! It is better than any high school diploma would ever be! Show some respect for those who work almost as hard as others at their job! We work for hours to make the victim-, I mean customer, satisfied enough to not sue us! Microwaving Big Macs for hours on end, 24/7! It takes a strong will to be able to work here! You obviously don’t take it seriously! Next question!
Sir, I assure you that I take any job serious-
What is your experience with a deep fat frier?
I have never used one in my life. There was one at the White House, but only my personal chefs used it. We got rid of it anyways in order to avert war with the Emperor of Boldilad. His Majesty is a strict health-conscious monarch. In France during a peace conference, we were once served Eu-de-Yuck, which they claimed were deep fried snails. I fed them to the dog, who then vomited on the Princess of Gromlie’s dress. I saved the nation from a potential crises by giving her a gift card to Aeropostale. Overall, my experiences with friers have been, uh, interesting.
Dude, how did you get elected in the first place? Or the second time for that matter?
My irresistible charm, my amazing hair, my flaky campaign promises…
Okay, we have enough information. Now I need to see how you, uh, work with the customer. Here comes a lady with some children. Go to the register and try to keep her from storming out in anger.
PART 2: TRANSCRIPT OF CUSTOMER INTERACTION
Salutations! I give my most heartfelt greetings to you, Ma’am. Welcome to McDonald’s! How may I be honoured to serve you on this serendipitous afternoon?
Okay, kids, back away slowly, and stay behind me. Stay calm, keep backing away.
Ma’am, wherefore art thou journeying? I have not taken your order yet!
Kids, go outside! I’ll call the police.
Ma’am, I assure you, our food is somewhat edible! Please, my future occupation is on the proverbial line!
(CUSTOMER AND CHILDREN LEAVE FOR BURGER KING)
(ANOTHER CUSTOMER ENTERS, WHO IS A MIDDLE AGED MAN)
Hello, Sir, and welcome to McDonald’s, how may I be of service to you?
Woah, far out! Aren’t you, like, the President?
Yes, I used to be. Thank you for noticing!
That is like, wicked awesome! May I have your autograph?
Yes! I would be delighted to sign your receipt after you make your purchase.
Gnarly, man! I’ll have three Big Macs, two large fries, a 12 piece chicken McNuggets, a Peppermint McMilkshake, and a salad. Hold the lettuce, extra croutons. And do you guys deep fry hot dogs?
No, Sir. That will be $79.56. Will you be paying in cash or credit?
Credit. Now, sign the receipt!
Here you are! Enjoy your heart att-, I mean, gourmet delicacies.
Ah, man, thanks! Oh, now that I have your autograph and I have my food…
YOU WERE A LOUSY PRESIDENT! BECAUSE OF YOU, I CAN’T AFFORD NICE DINING BECAUSE THE ECONOMY STINKS! I HAVE TO COME TO THIS GREASE BUCKET FOR MY MEALS! I BLAME YOU FOR MY MISERABLE LIFE! ADIOS, ENEMIGO!!!
(CUSTOMER LEAVES, MUTTERING ABOUT HOW TO
SELL THE AUTOGRAPH ON E-BAY FOR A FORTUNE)
PART 3: TRANSCRIPT OF EVALUATION
Okay, sir, how did I do?
Are you kidding?!?!
Are you saying I did not meet your great expectations?
I am deeply sorry for failing you, sir. I imagine that my incompetence as a McDonald’s employee has disgraced you immeasurably. Could you ever forgive me? If so, I am indebted to your service forever.
Fail me? You kidding? Fail me? Dude, you are, like, the best sales-person we’ve ever had! You do need to, like, not be so smart as the clerk. People don’t come to McDonald’s to have their order taken by a dictionary. You just set the 6th best record for most food sold in a single purchase! The top twenty are all held by that guy. You can have the job, if you can do one more, uh, job.
And pray tell, what might that be? And why are you rubbing your hands together like a psychotic foreign dictator?
PART FOUR: TRANSCRIPT OF ULTIMATE CHALLENGE
NO! This is madness! You can not make me!
Oh yes I can, that is, if you want a job…
But this was outlawed in the eighth amendment: “There shall be no cruel or unusual punishment”! Why do you insist on forcing me to endure this torture?
But, this one is simple. All you have to do is wash these dishes.
Wash dishes? How come you do not have a dishwasher?
No dishwasher can tackle the challenges of these pans. Here is your rag. I will be back in an hour to see your progress.
Seriously, Sir? Washing dishes is a job interview?
Don’t question my, uh, ways of doing things, or I might question your results.
I believe the phrase goes-
Hush, and do my bidding. Dishes. NOW!
ONE HOUR LATER:
Okay, I am finished! Why were those pans so lathered in grease? It is repulsive!
Why do you think we have our wannabe employees do them?
Well, how did I do?
Well, let’s just say that you are a rookie.
May I have a second term, I mean, chance?
Hey, this isn’t the Presidency. This is McDonald’s, where if you mess up once, it’s over. You’re sued, or lose a customer to vegetarianism. Or they investigate your food processing methods.
Actually, that’s just like the Presidency! You mess up once, it is all over. The press tarnishes your reputation. You just hope that it happens after reelection. I actually have become an expert on how to deal with what has been done.
What may that be, O great expert?
Hire a killer lawyer! It will fix all your problems! That new president guy, Smith, he can negotiate anything! He has the salesman swindling expertise of a McDonald’s worker!
Well, actually, he-
Anyways, do I have the job?
Well, even though you were good in the marketing area, you need work on that elbow grease- literally. You have too many morals. You might appear to be too, uh, something for our customers.
Sophisticated, but DO I HAVE THE CRAZY JOB?!?!?!?!?
(ENTER SECRET SERVICE AND NEW PRESIDENT ZACHORIA SMITH)
But wait! Who is Zachoria Smith?
Did the former President get the job?
Find out by continuing to read…
My name is Zachoria Smith. I am your newly elected President. I’m sure you are all wondering how I gained my greatness, and how I arose to such great heights. You see, I started off in humble beginning. My family was killed by the Alien Invasion. I was a brilliant student. However, just to make by, I had to drop out. And… I became a worker at the most esteemed restaurant in the world: McDonalds. Why? Because the incompetent president was a horrible leader, and only was elected because of his “Good looks, charm, and flaky campaign promises.” A typical order went like this:
Me:“Hello, welcome to McDonalds. What may I microwave for you?”
Customer” “Yeah, medium fries, please.”
Me: “Would you like some fries with that? Because, most of my fellow imbeciles- I mean, coworkers say that.
However, a year after I started working there, I would soon find myself out of a job. I was fired because I had “Muchas Problemas.” I entered the Presidency because I soon figured out Julie Lanie was Mitt Romney. And the Vice President was horrible after “His Royal Presidency,” was impeached, so they held a new election.
Blurb from the loser: I had entered the country quite easily. i ate mitt romney’s family with relish. what can i say? i’m an alien! i realized that why we failed in the beginning, because we tried to take over the world by force, taking out each world leader one by one. however, i decided to take things into my own hand.
From Humble Beginnings
Well, it wasn’t easy getting to where I had to be. I had faced lots of conundrums. . I was a teenager. Unconstitutional, some of my critics said. But I won the hearts and minds of everyone. It became evident that I had the guts to do what it took to protect the country. But what experiences would those be? Well, let’s take a trip back in time, shall we?
The media only accepted me as a candidate after I was able to stop a small, elite, group of Aliens from invading Australia. But seriously though, who wants to attack Australia? Okay, I guess that statement could cause me the trust of the Australian Government …
(Random Australian Official): Hey, Don’t Sweat it, Kid. Just don’t expose the Harlem Shake to us. We don’t need another animal trying to kill us.
Well, it went a little something like this: I hated Justin Bieber, to a point of my almost wanting to kill him. I , that I could use my hated one as the weapon I needed.
The Media questioned my way. But, in the end, they accepted me. Let’s just make something clear: I hope that Justin Bieber continues to poop his musical poop, because, they are the perfect weapon.
However, my moment of truth was at the first presidential debate. I have attached a transcript. It was not pretty. However, I was able to prove Mitt Romney’s true identity as an alien, and by default, making me the first president under the age of 18.
(The First Presidential Debate)
The Moment of Truth
Debate Guy: Well, Folks, I guess it’s that time again! I’d like to begin with You, Mr. Smith. What are you going to do about North Korea?
Me: It’s simple. We kill the Batman.
Romney: Just the response I would expect from a teenager. Seriously, this doesn’t seem unconstitutional to you? He’s still a Minor! Anyway, my plan is to blow it off the world, and make it full of grand mansions for my use only- I mean, for the North Korean Slaves, so they can be free, and transform the country into a place where justice lives!
Me: (Turns to Romney). Hey Mitt, you know something? You know, you remind me of my father. I HATED my father.
Debate Guy: oohh, Some hostility brewing! Well, the next question is: What are you going to do about the Starvation Crisis in the Middle East?
Me: Oh, I’ll send them some Big Macs! And McCafe to be on the safe side.
Romney: The People of the Middle East won’t have a starvation problem. I’m going to send our military forces, and take over the WORLD! Looks at crowd. I mean, I’m going to create healthy foods school there.
Debater Guy: Both of you are messed up.
Me: Why so Serious?
Debater Guy: Well, um… next Question: What are you going to do about the Medical Crisis in the country?
Me: Give them Happy Meals! Happiness is the cure to anything!
Romney: Well, I plan to overturn Bushbama Care, I plan to use Bushbama care to my advantage, I plan to say how great Bushbama care is, then, say how bad it is!
Debater Guy: Woah, dudes, you two have muchas problemas
Me: You remind me of my ex boss from McDonalds.
Debater Guy: Next Question! If, there was another Alien Crisis, what would you do.
Romney: Simple. I would try to create peace with them.
Me: (Knows who Romney really is). Well, you see, it’s quite simple. I would eradicate the entire species, using galactic warfare, and utilize the Galactic Military program that Bushbama started so I can blow up their planet.
Romney: NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT! THE GUAMPAGUAM ALIEN RACE IS A PEACEFUL ALIEN SOCIETY! ALL THEY EVER WANTED WAS PEACE! THEY WANTED TO SPREAD THEIR WEALTH AND PROSPERITY TO A LESSER RACE! ALL I WANTED WAS A CHANGE! ALL MY LEADER EVER WANTED WAS TO HELP! ACCEPT US! ALL I EVER WANTED WAS TO DESTROY LESSER LIFE! IS THAT REALLY TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR? I AM JULIE LANIE! I WILL GET WHAT I WANT! Looks awkwardly at the crowd. “I said that out loud, didn’t I?”
Debater Guy: Nice job, messing that up, Ms. Lanie. Looks like our next president is…. Zachoria Smith!
Celebration before President
After I was elected, I had another interview with the Tonight Show.
Leno: Hello, Mr. President! does it feel to be the youngest President in the world?
Me: Well, you know. It has it’s ups and downs. I guess my girlfriend will be known as the the First Girl. And you know, I guess being president means I can skip school, and I won’t have to eat cafeteria food anymore. On the bad side, the entire fate of the country is on my shoulder.
Leno: Tough, Kid. Real tough. So, tell me, how did you end up becoming President from being a McDonalds Worker?
Me: It all started when I was fired. From there, I just grew. I’m grateful that I’ve met my great expectations.
Leno: Amazing, just amazing. So, tell me about to whole veggie fiasco.
Me: Oh, please don’t remind me about that. So, I was touring in San Francisco. And, so, most people when they realized I was from McDonald’s, they praised me for achieving such heights. So, I’m speaking about my past, and this RANDOM guy throws a broccoli at me. And I’m like, “WHAT?” So then, a whole group of people of people march up on stage, and they’re all like, “THINK ABOUT OUR FUTURE! WE ARE THE SOCIETY OF VEGETARIANS AGAINST MCDONALD’S! THINK ABOUT A SOCIETY, WHERE THE ONLY FOOD IS FROM MCDONALD’s? WHERE EVERYTHING IS RULED BY A TYRANNICAL CLOWN! DO YOU WANT TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD? A WORLD, WHERE ALL COWS ARE BRAINWASHED INTO THINKING THAT BEING SLAUGHTERED IS THEIR ONLY LIFE? WHERE PLANTS ARE ALL GONE, BECAUSE THE COWS ATE THEM ALL? A PLACE, WHERE THERE IS NO FREEDOM? NO, YOU DON’T. MR.SMITH HAS NO RIGHT BEING PRESIDENT!” And I’m all like, “This is the future when Ronald McDonald is elected. Not me. Or the old president who spends his entire time microwaving burgers. And my old boss shows up, and is like,” That job was better than a high school diploma- it was the highest badge of honor!” And I’m all like,
“There once lived a man. He found his first gray pubic hair. It wouldn’t have bothered him.
Except for the fact that it was in his Big Mac.”
Leno: So talk about the first time you met Bushbama.
Me: Well, it was after the election, you see… I’m releasing a new novel, in which you can read all about it.
Leno: I can’t wait! Well, I’m sorry, but that’s all the time we have.
The Book of Presidents: Volume 45
Zacharia Smith, Chapter 45
My Encounter the the Devil
Introduction: A long time ago, I promised Jay Leno that I would release a book detailing my first encounter with The Ex-President. Well, I am sorry to say that this never happened. However, the Book of Presidents INC. has graciously allowed me my own edition. This is my story with meeting the Devil himself. I am Zachoria Smith. I am the greatest President in the WORLD!
Transcript of the Encounter with the Devil:
Account Documented by President Zachoria Smith
and Senior Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo of NCIS.
DiNozzzo: This is the Secret Service, led by a dashing very Special Agent: me.
The Ex- President: Hello, President Smith (He who swiped my job).
Me: Hey, Fry Face, you took mine. Be quiet.
Mac Donald: Actually, he-
Me: I wouldn’t be talking right now, considering that you have the right to remain silent.
DiNozzo: Looks like the little hawk you thought would be able to destroy the country ended up singing like canary!
T E-P: Did you just call me Fry Face, Zachy boy?
Me: Yes. Yes I did.
MacD: Hey, why do I have to be quiet? Am I under arrest of something?
DiNozzo: That’s going to be up to the judge. If you’re lucky, time served.
MacD: What do you mean, if I’m lucky?
Me: I’m thinking that I should just have my Secret Service Agents just shoot you down.
MacD: If it comes to that, fine!
T E-P: Hey, why are you morphing into an alien? Hey I know you! You are-
Me: Julie Lanie’s alien king-boss. The last creature of his kind. He replaced and ate my McDonalds Boss. Thank you for that. But, justice must be served.
DiNozzo: No time for gratitude.
MacD->Alien Jefe: You earthling thcum! You have thwarted my planth! I shall dithintegwate this meathly planet with no regard for juthtithe or twuth! Prepare to ceathe to exitht!
Me: You’re a bunch of laughs. You need to be invited to more parties, I’m sure you’d be the life of it.
T E-P: Hey, if we do not collaborate on our personal abilities, then he will be the death of us!
Me: We can only collaborate if you actually had abilities, my friend.
T E-P: How dare you insult my Presidential Skills? Why, I was the epitome of presidential perfection!
Me: Dude, you were fired.
DiNozzo: You ladies can get back to your arguing later. We have an alien crisis here!
Alien Jefe: You are all going to explode like confetti!
Me: Shoot him. Looks at DiNozzo and Secret Service. Well, shoot him I say!
Alien Jefe: They can’t. I have dethtroyed all of your gunth. Nothing can thtop me now! Thith McDonald’th thtore ith an explothion to happen. All I have to do is pweth thith button. It would be tho eathy, tho thimple.
Me: Then do it.
T E-P: You cannot honestly mean that, can you? I mean, you, the defender of this country-
DiNozzo: He knows what he’s doing.
T E-P: No! Mr. President! I know them! They are not afraid of death, as long as they accomplish their objective in the process!
Me: The day I was fired, the reason was because I had no real ‘McDonald’s’ spirit. The only reason I even got the job is because I was in need of a home. The day he fired me, he wasn’t acting like himself. Only now I realize that he had been replaced by an Alien.
T E-P: How does this help us at ALL? We are all about to explode and die! Oh, what have I done to deserve the cruel and horrible fate?’
Alien Jefe: Get weady for your utter doom! (Pretheth Button)
T E-P: Oh, my great charm, wits, and flaky campaign promises, please, come save me! I am too amazing and handsome to die in such a cruel and horrible way!
Alien Jefe: No political thcandal can thave you now, puny little Earthling.
Me: Actually, they saved him last time you tried to demolish the Earth. Just saying.
DiNozzo: Well, Mr. President? What do you want us to do?
Robot Voice: T-60 seconds until all McDonald Grease Buckets Explode.
T E-P: Oh No! I am going to explode! Why me? Why not President Richard Nixon? Oh, why me? Why? I am too valuable to the world. If I die, there won’t be a world!
DiNozzo: There probably won’t be a world, period. If every single McDonald’s Explodes, and they are everywhere. No one would be expecting a huge explosion.
RV: T-30 Seconds.
Me: That Remote of his controls everything. If we can destroy the remote-
Alien Jefe: You blow up the entire world.
DiNozzo: Darn. We’re doomed.
Alien Jefe: Yeth, yeth you are! Mwahaha-ha-ha-hack, hack, *cough cough. Wow. anti-climatic.
Me: I shall call on my nation’s greatest allies! We supply necessary medical materials to them. However, they will teleport here in an instant, always at our call! I call on-
Alien Jefe: Who, the Bwitish? All they do ith thit around and drink tea all day. Hehehehehe.
Me: NO! I call on my Radioactive buds, the Fleroviumites.
T E-P: You mean, the Top Secret Operation ToxicViper from the Galactic Project? Even I wasn’t supposed to know about that!
Me: Then? How did you know? Oh, never mind. I call on my childhood friend and good ally, Chromaste!
(Enters a man that looks kind of normal.
Had blue hair, green eyes, pointed ears,
but other than that, has human-like features.
He is wearing an aviator’s jacket and has sunglasses.
There is a glowing green stripe on his forehead, which quickly stops glowing)
Chromaste: Hey! It’s me Chromie! Here to spread peace, love, and destruction through Radioactivity! Don’t worry, I’m only radioactive when my stripe is glowing. You are fine! You, however, (motioning to Alien Jefe) should be quaking in your krypton boots!
Me: Great to see you too, Chromie. Now, I hope you can kinda, ya know, help us defeat this mongering menace from the world.
Alien Jefe: I would be delighted to eliminate you all! Thankth for the thuggethtion!
RV: T-15 seconds
Chromaste: No, it is my duty to eliminate you, my little purple friend. And I have thirteen seconds to figure out how.
DiNozzo: Wait, I thought I was supposed to eliminate him!
Me: I think Agent Gibbs would like your return to NCIS without damages to his top agent.
Chromie: I have an idea. The radioactivity running through my body will allow me to transfer destructive particles into your bloodstream! Of course, first I need to disable that remote. But HOW?
Me: As a McDonald’s worker, I know all about microwaving things! Use your radioactivity to fry his remote!
T E-P: And the creepy alien please, while you are at it, please allow me to become the assistant assistant manager of this fine grease bucke- I mean, eating establishment.
Me: Wait, hasn’t it been longer than 15 seconds?
Alien Jefe: Yeth, it hath becauthe you are on the wrong twack! My plan ith completely different than what you earthling thcum think! Jutht wait, for you haven’t heard the latht of me!
Alien Jefe vaporizes to his UFO safely,
Laughing maniacally, of course
DiNozzo: Wait, what? What just happend? Huh? Estoy confundido.
Me: He’s escaping! Giving himself time! Quick, fry his ship and his remote! NOW! NOW! THIS IS AN ORDER FROM THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES!
T E-P: And from the Ex-President, too!
Me: Dude, seriously, stop acting as if you’re important. You’re not. You were fired, and for good reason.
T E-P: Fired? Fired sounds so negative. I was impeached!
Me: Oh, who cares? Same difference. Chromie, please, that thing is flying at 100,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 lightyears per millisecond. Fry it!
Chromie: That’s quite far, but I’ll try.
(Green stripe starts glowing, as does the entire body)
DiNozzo: We might want to wear some protective gear?
T E-P: Quickly! Hide in this stack of frozen hamburgers!
Me: Great Idea!
Dinozzo: Wait, you mean the hamburger patties from McDonald’s aren’t REAL?!
Group stares blankly at DiNozzo
Chromie: Dude, I live on a planet that doesn’t even have McDonald’s, and even I knew that. Take cover! It has started.
Random Agent: Would now be a bad time to say that I have to go to the bathroom?
Another Random Agent: I have Carnophobia (the fear of meat)!
Me: Well, soon, if you don’t take cover, you won’t have an existence that will be afraid of MEAT! I’m a vegetarian, and I worked at McDonald’s, for Olympus’s sake.
Chromie: Take Cover!
Alien Jefe: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1000 curses upon you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2 Days Later:
Later: At Washington D.C: State of the Union
Me: I would first, announce our alliance with the Fleroviumites publicly. I would also like Congress to pass a measure that would place extra security at McDonald’s establishments. The State of the Union is grim. However, I believe, that together, we can rebuild out of the mess that was started a long time ago by a certain President that shall remain unnamed. We are a powerful nation. Nothing can stop us. Our greatest enemies have been eradicated. At this point, I will leave the stage, and give this mike to a man who (never) deserves it: President 44.
T E-P: Yes! Cheer for me! Hey! You in the front row! You better not throw that tomato! I saved the world again! Thank me! Maybe, one day I will forgive you for treating me like, like, McDonald’s food!
Me: Dude, I mean, honorable sir, you work at a McDonald’s now.
DiNozzo (under breath): Only because we blew the Assistant Assistant Manager up.
Gibbs: Shut up. Listen. Rule #11: When the job is done, walk away.
Agent Ziva David and Timothy McGee: DO you want Smith to lower your paycheck?
Abby Sciuto: I should have brought Burt.
Donald Mallard and Jimmy Palmer: We really should be back at the navy yard doing the autopsy.
Director Leon Vance: Shh, he’s speaking.
Me: I award all of you, The Honorable Ex-President, Agents DiNozzo and Gibbs (even though you didn’t do much in this story), and myself with the Medal of Honor! Notice I studded mine with rubies, pearls and sapphires in the shape of the American Flag, and set in gold. If you lose yours, you can buy replacements at the dollar store. They’re only plastic. No big loss.
T E-P: What about me?
Me: I mentioned you.
T E-P: I know, but, I think that since I helped in the eradication of the last alien enemy species, perhaps.. perhaps I should be allowed to complete my second term?
Me: Well, perhaps you could be my fake advisor…. no. Fryface, don’t you have some burgers to be microwaving?
T E-P: They were all disintegrated in the blast. It is a miracle; all of the scientists believed that Happy Meals could survive anything, like cockroaches.
Me: Order some from the Cow Slaughter Farms in Siberia. Or, you know what, just get out! I have a speech to give to these Congresspeople!
T E-P: Go ahead, but do not forget to mention me!
The Justice In Charge of Impeaching 44: Your Presence is no longer wanted here, 44! We have a new, benevolent leader, who cares about his people. (Sort of. He cares more about himself, but he’s better than you)
Me: Hey, 44 although my level of respect for you has not changed at all, nor has my lack of affection, I can pay for your one way trip to Lowly-land!
T E-P: You would do that for me? That is so great of you, sir!
Me: No. Not really. Leave my Capitol, my city, and my home.
T E-P: It has been an honor serving my country, the People, and you, Zachoria Smith.
Me: Fine. Because you love me so much, and you should, I will pay for your ticket back to Los Angeles. Now that you’re done serving me, your country, and the People of this Great Nation, go serve some Big Macs.
You would never realize it, however, 44 and I are now, are on daily speaking terms! He has become an expert on the art of McDonald’s, and I have become way more humble than anyone else in the world! Well, not entirely, but, mostly. I realize that I must learn from mistakes, and build upon greatness. Like Pip in Great Expectations! He learnt the hard way. He lost everyone he loved. In my case, I lost the love of my people. It almost cost me the Presidency. However, I soon learnt humility, after my girlfriend broke up with me. It was shocking, I must admit. Although, I should have seen it coming. I am happy to report that we are back together, going to get married, and that the confidence of me in my people has been restored.
I hope you enjoyed My Encounter With the Devil: President 44. Please Visit: http://zachyboyispresidenthahamittromneyandalienjefe.com
By the way: If anyone is still interested in Julie Lanie’s real name, try to convince the authors to keep writing.
But what actually happened between President 44 and The aliens? Why did the President end up working in McDonald’s? Find out now!
Zacharia Smith opened a journal from the desk in the Oval Office. It was a stormy night, and the President was hoping that Congress would finally come to their senses and accept the President’s bill for equal job rights. However, one journal in the stack of journals that 44 left behind for him stood out in particular. It was golden in color, embroidered with the emblem of the United States Department of Extraterrestrial Affair. Zacharia gingerly opened the book. A single note was scribbled down.
My Dear Zacharia, the time has come for the truth to be revealed. This will tear down my entire legacy, however I am going to build myself a new one. The time has come for the world to know.
The President pushed the Button.
But… what is this elusive button?
As he hung suspended over the pool of mercury, facing what he was almost positive was his impending doom, he couldn’t help but notice the large weight strapped to his back and on it, flashing brightly, a gigantic red button. The button repeatedly blinked a bright crimson, seeming to scream, “YOU MUST PUSH ME!!” Sweat started to bead on the President’s forehead as he glared up at the aliens standing above him. There were two choices, give in to the power of these intergalactic invaders or save the world by blowing up this monumental spacecraft.
When he finished zoning out, Julie was speaking.“No, I intend to eat your milk and cookies. Of course to destroy the world! It’s in our way of Venus. We want to blow that up too, and there’s nothing you can do about it, buster” sassed Julie. “Oh yeah?” the President back-talked. “Just watch,” he yelled as he forcefully threw his fist onto The Button.
Time seemed to freeze as the transformation began to take place. The once former weak, scandalous, flaky campaign promised President found that steroids were being pushed into his blood system from the contraption that he previously thought was a bomb on his back. Muscles grew by the 10 fold. His gorgeous hair morphed into a lustrous and beautiful combover. A red scarf covered his eyes.
“I CAN’T SEE!” the President bellowed. Suddenly, two crudely cutout holes appeared where his eyes were. They looked like they had been cut out by a group of pre-schoolers. His suit turned into a forest green garb.
Suddenly, all the muscle he had… vanished!
“NOOOOOO! My steroid enhanced muscles! AHH!!!” The aliens looked at each other. “This was very unexpected. And by unexpected… I mean completely unexpected. No seriously, this unexpected,” he mumbled to himself, yet loud enough that the newly transformed president could hear. Then to Julie, he yelled furiously, “He should have turned into gooblygoop!” Suddenly, a evil look appeared on Julie’s face.
“I wonder. Perhaps..this glitch in the system can be used to our advantage. Let’s Happy Meal this deal. Two for the price of one. Just think. This man here before us is the president, yet appears as the man known as Robin, who just so happens to be one of America’s greatest ‘super heroes’:Batman’s sidekick. Surely, he will come to retrieve his missing partner. It’s perfect. With the downfall of this masked man, the world will prove even easier to take over. And I’m sure the Americans would anything to get their beloved President back. BWAHAHAHAHA!” As if on cue, a dark form appeared through the window. As it drew closer, the ominous spaceship seemed to take the shape resembling a bat! It was the Batmobile! In SPACE!
(Cut to Batmobile).
Bruce Wayne (aka Batman) sat in the front driver’s seat of the Batmobile as it gradually neared the alien spaceship. His fingers were threaded together and placed under his chin as he assessed the large ship before him.
“Some crackers, Master Wayne?” spoke a thin, fragile, old voice. Wayne shook his head.
“Now, Alfred, why would the Robin Signal flare up in space? The signal seems to be
coming from inside that skull shaped spaceship and the more I look at it, the more I believe that our dear Robin has been abducted.”
Alfred, used to these outlandish ideas, simply nodded as he gingerly placed the crackers on the small table situated between the front seats. “I’m sure there has been a mistake.”
“This was no mistake, Alfred. This was attempted murder. By ALIENS! WE MUST RESCUE HIM, BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE! THAT, AND NO OTHER SIDEKICK WILL WORK FOR AS LOW OF A PAY AS HE DOES! EXPENDABLE SIDE KICK! I WILL SAVE YOU!”
“Sir,” Alfred interrupted, clearly dismissing Batman’s idea. “I have just received news from the White House. The President has been abducted by aliens, and they have already violently forced an innocent Secret Service man to fling himself off the top of the White House balcony. These are not merciful creatures. Are you sure you want to put your gorgeousness on the line for the expendable sidekick?”
“Yes. The president has to be saved. If he must. I had voted for Vladimir Putin, but national duty calls. Robin must fend for himself until further notice. Where has he been abducted to?”
Alfred chuckled as if he was dealing with a stubborn child but still replied, “well, if the president was abducted by aliens, then I would assume that he would be in the aliens’ spaceship.”
Batman pondered the idea, “Well, could it possibly be the spaceship in front of us?”
Alfred sighed. “I guess it is quite possible,” he stated somewhat tiredly. “Perhaps we should check it out.”Batman nodded his head. “Do you suggest blowing the entire spaceship up, or doing some CIA work?”
“No. The CIA’s methods are too inferior. We do this (Insert dramatic music) BATMAN STYLE!”
“With all due respect Master Wayne sir, but what is your style?”
“Well, go in, gather information, and take over the thingy. Then blow it up. You know, kinda like the CIA does it.”
“Then what happens to the President?”
“No, I said we blow it up AFTER we rescue the President.”
“Perfect, sir. But I have a question. Why did you think that the Robin Signal came from in here?”
Batman paused a second to consider the question as it was quite possible that he had not thought of it himself. After a while, he said, “Wouldn’t it be convenient if Robin was in here as well? We could easily rescue them both!”
“The odds of them both being in there are highly unlikely, Master Wayne. Perhaps there was just a malfunction in the equipment.
“A malfunction!? Why Alfred, I never thought you of all people would doubt me in such a way…”
“Of course not sir, just making sure that you are considering all possible situations.” Of course, this was a complete lie. Alfred doubted the man everyday. Not a single day passed without wishing his boss had some sense. That wasn’t to say Bruce was stupid. But he was a little… out there at times. It was good for him to have an anchor back to the real world.
As the Batmobile connected to the docking port located in the mouth of the skull spaceship, Batman leapt to his feet. Already suited up, he was ready for action. With a hiss, the two ships became completely connected and Batman wasted no time in getting to the hatch, although, he had poorly underestimated the size of the ship and had no clue where the president was possibly located.
“This is going to take a while.”
Step One: Survey the scene. “Alfred, everything is clear!”
“But Master Wayne, there might be traps set in those ominous corridors!”
“It’s okay, Alfred! I’m The Batman! I always win no matter how careless I am.”
Step Two: Take over the thingy. “CHARRRRRGGGEEE!” He ran randomly through the ship, disregarding Alfred’s warnings about booby traps and not wearing sunscreen.
Batman had finally located the chamber where the president was located and placed his ear to the metal door. Hearing nothing, he grabbed the handle and pulled. Immediately, he found himself on a small balcony located over a pool of a boiling, foreign substance, and above it, head hanging was Batman’s sidekick Robin himself! But no aliens were to be found. If it wasn’t for the rush of love that Bruce was feeling, he might have realized that this was a complete trap.
But he didn’t notice. He rushed down to Robin, and pulled him away from the boiling mercury. Grabbing his shoulders and slightly shaking him he yelled, “Robin dear boy! Wake up! We must rescue the President and flee before the aliens realize that I am here.
The President groggily rose his head to become face to face with Batman himself. He couldn’t help but find it strange that the superhero was practically hugging him.
“Good day and well met, oddly dressed citizen! I see you need my help! I am working on several acts that protect the Endangered Bats of America, and will pass them through congress as soon as you step aside and allow me to deal with these hooligans.”
“What in the Batcave..! What… who… but.. my friend… Robin! What gruesome experiments have they done upon you? I promise, when we go back home I will do whatever it takes to destroy those idiotic President 44 ideas of yours, and restore you back to your Robin-minded expendable self.”
A very confused President simply said, “Well then… Um… please allow me to-”
Suddenly, the lights turned off, except for the one in the middle pointed right at the two intruders. A platform rose on their right, to reveal a rather beautiful woman and another figure resembling something like the lovechild of Jabba the Hutt and Chewbacca.”
“Hello there, Batman. So nice of you to visit. I understand that this news might come as a shock, but that is indeed not your beloved Robin. That,” she paused to point a finger at the President-but-resembling-Robin standing next to Batman, “is Forty Four… better known as the President!”
“NO!” Batman yelled. Although Robin appeared to be simply Batman’s sidekick, they really were two very close friends. “YOU MUST BE LYING, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!”
Julie simply chuckled.
“No, we are noth lyingth!” spoke the brown creature standing beside her. “We killth your wunnderful sidekick! It was tho easy, tho thimple!” Julie patiently waited for her boss to stop cackling like a demented cat before she continued.
“You see, Mr. Wayne, it was our plan all along to capture the president to blow up your planet. But your stupid sidekick got in the way. He tried to save the President 44, and… we had to tragically cut his lifeline. But of course, we took his DNA thinking that it would be an interesting way to kill the President. The Button was to inject it into him. Unfortunately, the President unexpectedly turned into Robin. However, somehow, his mind remained intact. Definitely strange, but now it doesn’t matter! We deduced that your deceased sidekick triggered the flare before coming aboard our ship, thus the reason for your immediate arrival. However, it all makes for a grand finale for now we will kill YOU TOO! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” Something broke deep beneath Batman. Perhaps it was the cruelty of the aliens. Or maybe it was that they used the noble body of Robin as a body for the dunderhead who was the President of the United States.
“It’s times like these that make me wonder why I didn’t vote for Vladimir Putin,” sighed Bruce Wayne as he released President 44-no-longer-who-he-thought-was-Robin.
“Enough chit chat!” bellowed Alien Jefe. “Fight me! Fight me! For none can overcome the power of my greatness!” Batman leered at him, ready to destroy this good for nothing slimeball. At that moment, something grabbed his arm. Whipping around, Batman saw Alfred holding on tightly to his arm. In his distress, Batman hadn’t even noticed his butler’s arrival.
“Allow me, sir. Save you strength. We may need it later.”
“But Aldred, you’re walking on a cane, how can you fight?” Alfred simply glared at his master’s foolishness.
“Looks can be deceiving, Master Wayne. Now, watch and learn. HIYAA!” Alfred launched himself in the air (which was no easy feat for an 80 year old looking man). With his extreme ninja skills, he launched three exploding shuriken into his enemy’s slimey body.
“Whath is zis!” BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
All that remained was a puddle of slime.
“AND STAY DEAD!” Alfred wheezed as he stabbed the puddles of slime with his wooden cane.
“Good old Alfred,” Bruce muttered to himself. He turned his eyes on perhaps the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. But Batman absolutely knew that deep down, she was as evil, if not more, than her dead boss. And she was also the one who had caused the death of a beloved expendable sidekick.
“YOU MUST BE DESTROYED!” he bellowed in his most Bat-manliest voice.
“Come at me bro,” Julie challenged.
Batman unsheathed his Batsaber. It sizzled with the power of death itself. Batman couldn’t help thinking to himself, I’ve ALWAYS wanted to use this.
“When did you get that sir?” questioned Alfred.
“Lucius made it for me before we came here. It has the power to destroy 10,000 cats with one swing.”
“But sir, your wife was Catwoman. She may not help but find that extremely offensive.”
“Well, I retired and you quit. Clearly things have changed,” Batman stated. Alfred simply shrugged.
“Whatever you say, Master Wayne.” Julie looked at the weapon as one might look at a toy- with amusement.”
“Really? The great and powerful defender of the Earth using a little light stick? Pathetic.” With that, she lunged forward, cloaked in a veil of darkness. Batman couldn’t see where she had gone. The ship seemed to have suddenly gotten a good thirty degrees colder. Ice began to form at Batman’s feet.
“So that’s her strategy! Not if I can help it!” Batman launched three Batarangs at the ice to free himself. “HA!” He bellowed, jumping up. Suddenly, he found himself tasting the dirt off the floor of the ship. Looking up, he saw the woman standing before him, a gun in her hand.
“And now, the great and powerful Manbat will be DESTROYED!” Julie screeched, throwing her head back to release an evil cackle.
“It’s Batman, not Manbat!” Before she could lower her head to respond with a witty remark or even pull the trigger, Batman clicked the button on the Batsaber in his hand. With a buzzing noise, a beam of white light erupted out of one end of the handle in his hand. With a smooth motion, he swung the light blade in an arch above his head and severed Julie’s feet from her legs.
Julie screamed in pure agony as she toppled to the floor beside Batman. “NOOOO!” Green slime began to drip from the severed leg stumps as she writhed on the floor. Using the opportunity, Batman leapt to his feet in glory, and raised his mighty saber of death above his head and in one smooth movement, brought in down upon her neck.
“DIE BITCH!!!!!” he howled with malice. BZZT went the saber of death. The once glorious body of Julie Lanie was nothing more than a pile of slime and bone. When Batman turned, he saw Alfred shaking his head.
“Master Wayne,” he sighed. “I won’t say that that horrible woman, or alien, didn’t deserve to die, but there is no need for such language.”
“My apologies my dear Alfred. It simply slipped out. I couldn’t control myself. The loss of one of my greatest expendable sidekicks shook me great.”
“Well I understand your pain. Anyways, lets grab the President-”
“I don’t understand. If we leave now, this man somehow find a way to steal all of our credit. Perhaps it’s best if leave him here. It’s not like he was a good president to begin with.”
“Well Master Wayne, although I may agree with you on the fact that this man is a horrible good for nothing sorry excuse for a President, he still is the most powerful man in our country. It really is our, specifically your, duty to return him to the country. Besides, what would your wife say about this?”
“Selina? I think she would approve.”
Batman looked down to where he’d left the President only to find him to be unconscious heap of fat and pathetic bones on the floor. “As much as I hate to admit it, you’re right. It is my duty to protect the country which, unfortunately, includes the protection of the President. Besides, you’re right, Selina would disapprove.”
Alfred nodded. “Then Master, what do you say we haul this man back to the Batmobile. On our way out, to lift your spirits, why don’t we blow up this godforsaken spaceship and put all this behind us…”
Batman couldn’t help let a smile creep onto his face.
“Indeed my dear friend. There is nothing like a good amount of destruction and explosives to get over the loss of your best friend.”
Suddenly, the President woke up with a jolt.
“Good day, fearless citizens! Thank you for rescuing me! Now, I can’t have my wonder reputation tarnished by this little incident… if something like this happens, my flaky campaign promises won’t hold during the reelection campaign. So what do you say… we strike a deal? The entire US Debt Multiplied by three for your silence.”
Batman glanced over at Alfred. After a short pause Batman said, “I vote knocking him out again.”Alfred nodded solemnly.
“I wish I said I didn’t think that was for the best, but I do agree.”
“WAIT! WAIT! My greatness will offer you something else! All the Ben and Jerry’s ice cream you could ever want! For free! What do you say?” The eagerness was clear on 44’s face.
Batman glared at the President at his feet. “We will stay silent, as I do find extreme joy in consuming Ben and Jerry’s delectable ice cream. However, you must tell your successor about this deal, and if they choose to, they can reveal the truth of what really happened on this day. In addition, you must work at a McDonald’s when all is said and done.”
“Very well, Manbat. I agree to your deal. Now let’s get out of here.”
With that, the three of them stormed down the hallways, placing bombs on the walls as they went. Finally, they got on the Batmobile.
Batman flicked his hand from the driver’s seat of the Batmobile. Recognizing the gesture, Alfred hobbled over to where the President was sitting on a bench along the far wall, who had been babbling non stop about his campaign plans since boarding the Batmobile.
Batman cleared his throat twice before the President finally paused to breathe. Batman seized the opportunity and rushed to say,
“Oh, one more thing.” President 44 looked up to him, perplexed, and quiet for the first time in what felt like an eternity.
“Mr.President, although I may have agreed to staying silent, I never said that I still didn’t want you unconscious. I do in fact find your voice exceedingly annoying.” With that, Alfred raised his cane and thumped President 44 on the head. “And the name is BATMAN!”
They flew back to the beautiful blue blob called Earth in blissful silence, the same feeling one might get from indulging themselves in Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream. If they they paid attention, they might have heard the blast from the spaceship behind them.
Batman and Alfred may have thought this was over…
Little did they know Julie Lanie and Alien Jefe were far from dead.
Zacharia Smith laid in bed with girlfriend, reading the journal, multiple times through, and despite his best efforts, a thin smile spread across his face.
“Oh, 44,” he sighed, as he switched off the light.